Feeling pensive today…
I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to put my thoughts into words.
It’s times like this that I can sit and write and play the piano for hours. Yearning coupled with confusion. It’s an odd mix…one that dances on the edge of reason. Probably the basis of some of the greatest songs produced. I’ll get my piano back next weekend, so maybe I due for some writing time. It’s purely a cathartic experience as I’ve never played most of the songs I’ve written. Maybe once I’m dead someone will come across my stuff and make a million bucks on it, however unlikely that really is.
I’ve been thinking a lot over the past week or so about some of the issues that are presenting themselves to me. In that short amount of time I’ve rekindled some emotions that I didn’t think I would feel again. It’s kind of bittersweet because of circumstances that are, for now, beyond my control. It’s interesting because I was so getting comfortable with the role I had set for myself, that of being nothing more than a single guy the rest of my life. How ironic that the same role I’m hoping to break out of is the very role that brings comfort to those I care about. Maddening.
The thinking comes in when I look back at why I had accepted the role of being single for the rest of my life. I’ve been hurt in the past, lost a sense of trust I had for someone who I freely gave that trust to. I’ve sat alone with myself in the worst of times, when love has left and my heart is broken in pieces before me. I’ve soaking in those feelings and tried to harden myself, promising that I wouldn’t let myself be hurt like that again.
When that stuff is taken from you, along with your sense of self-respect, in such an emotionally negative way it’s SO HARD to consider putting myself in that position again. I don’t want to go through all that work only to have the carpet swept out from under me again. So I erected walls to and decided to build something of my own, without the need or space for anyone else. I made it so that I couldn’t really accommodate anyone else in that space inside my body and I grew numb to the void I was feeling. I thought I had filled it in well enough to suffice.
It’s funny how a smell or something familiar will spark a memory, or a feeling. Perhaps I wasn’t as prepared as I thought I was. I seem to be painfully aware of that void stuff I mentioned earlier. I think I might be missing something really spectacular if I ignore these feelings…I’m not sure what, and I have no idea what will come of it but I’m willing to see where it takes me. I can’t have become so cynical that I ignore the potential for something that is bigger than me and what I’ve created for myself. Past emotions that could never be realized due to immaturity and circumstance are doing me in!
I don’t need to have someone in my life.
I don’t need to have anymore children.
I don’t need to depend on anyone to the point where it may jeopardize what I’ve built.
I don’t need to share myself or share in someone else…I’m ok without those things.
Maybe, but the potential, if it’s with the right person, is amazing.
It’s funny to me how things never present themselves as I expect them. It takes work for me to recognize what’s good for me, but isn’t that the way it should be? If it were easy then I guess everyone would be with the perfect mate and have perfect babies and perfect little lives. I’m glad it’s not that way because I like faults and foibles in people, it’s what makes them interesting.
I’m still doing a lot of thinking on this and trying to understand different points of view. I’m not willing to pigeon-hole myself any longer and I’m a believer that there is something out there bigger than my what the solitary life I’ve fallen in to.
I’m not ready to go back.