Unlearning old tricks.
I’ve been single for a very long time.
6 years. That’s amazing to me. I’ve molded myself into a self sufficient drone that plods through his daily life without need for expression beyond the internal dialog that reassures me that “I’m fine.” I feel very much like clay that’s been molded into a specific shape and long since dried leaving cracked corners and such.
This whole time I was still thinking about love and what it would be like, but the safe fantasy of it all wasn’t in my reach and I was ok with that…maybe even glad. In the past reality has always painted harsh strokes over the portrait of love, the love I pined for couldn’t be touched, and therefor was safe to believe in.
So, what happens when after 6 years of self flagellating myself with the “single” mantra I find someone I’m interested in? The once confident Romeo who could melt resistance like a like hot wax now finds that he’s out of place and awkward. Silent breaks litter my dialog and I’m fighting for air pulling my feet from my mouth.
I think that can either endear or estrange…and thankfully I think, and hope, it’s endearing.
Then guess what? Imagine this great person that’s brought you out of your shell has a shell of her own? She’s been single for a long time too…and gotten so used to being single that it’s almost impossible for her to figure out how she could ever share her life again in a way that’s intimate and romantic?
I guess that all I can do is simply be there.
I’m reminded of a quote…I’m not sure where it came from but I think it’s very appropriate.
“The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt.”
It sounds easy when you read it…but it’s probably the toughest thing one could do. Opening your heart to ALLOW someone to love you is much more difficult than loving. Loving is easy…it’s loving yourself enough to realize you deserve happiness (the kind your dream about) that is difficult. You’ve got to trust in it.