Can I trust?

I’ve been stuck in with the same mindset for quite a while.

It’s a carefully generated mindset geared to protect me and others from the mistakes of my past.  Those mistakes happened 15+ years ago…and I’ve done a pretty good job of making sure I’ve not put myself in that position again.  It’s been more difficult for me in the past few months because I’ve met someone I really care about and it’s challenging my protective mindset.

Sure, the protective mindset means that I miss out on some things.  The things I was missing out on were the things that contributed to the issues that caused me problems in the first place.  Sure I was alone, but being alone meant that no one but me got hurt.  I got used to living on less because I didn’t need more.  There was no vanity.  There was no ego.  There were no new friends.  There were no problems.  I learned to enjoy what I had and not to expect any more.  Mistakes didn’t happen because of the restrictions that were placed on my life.   If something catastrophic happened it wasn’t a big deal because I knew I could survive and no one depended on me for anything. 

I realize the mistakes were the mistakes of a 22 year old boy who was under a lot of pressure.  I was someone who didn’t know who he was and or what “the right thing” really meant.  Can I trust that the years have made me wiser?  Can I trust that those mistakes aren’t of basic character but of age and inexperience?  Can I trust that I know what “the right thing” is?  Can I trust that if I’m under pressure I won’t make the same mistakes again?  Can I trust that I’ve become wiser?  If I’ve become wiser would I be making these decisions or would I simply not put myself in this position?

Lot’s to think about. 

MiH

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