Can I trust?
I’ve been stuck in with the same mindset for quite a while.
It’s a carefully generated mindset geared to protect me and others from the mistakes of my past. Those mistakes happened 15+ years ago…and I’ve done a pretty good job of making sure I’ve not put myself in that position again. It’s been more difficult for me in the past few months because I’ve met someone I really care about and it’s challenging my protective mindset.
Sure, the protective mindset means that I miss out on some things. The things I was missing out on were the things that contributed to the issues that caused me problems in the first place. Sure I was alone, but being alone meant that no one but me got hurt. I got used to living on less because I didn’t need more. There was no vanity. There was no ego. There were no new friends. There were no problems. I learned to enjoy what I had and not to expect any more. Mistakes didn’t happen because of the restrictions that were placed on my life. If something catastrophic happened it wasn’t a big deal because I knew I could survive and no one depended on me for anything.
I realize the mistakes were the mistakes of a 22 year old boy who was under a lot of pressure. I was someone who didn’t know who he was and or what “the right thing” really meant. Can I trust that the years have made me wiser? Can I trust that those mistakes aren’t of basic character but of age and inexperience? Can I trust that I know what “the right thing” is? Can I trust that if I’m under pressure I won’t make the same mistakes again? Can I trust that I’ve become wiser? If I’ve become wiser would I be making these decisions or would I simply not put myself in this position?
Lot’s to think about.