Reflections on Change
It doesn’t matter what station I hold in life, certain things, seem to ring true. Regardless whether I’m sleeping on a $1600.00 mattress or the back seat of a ’74 Chevy Nova I still lie awake at night thinking of the future. All people do that though, don’t they?
So I think about my future and I wonder. Not being one for surprises, the fact that I can’t foretell the future leaves me with much consternation.
It was 20 years ago that I was in a similar position but different station in life, with a child on the way. Reminiscing about how I felt then is an interesting mix of terror and responsibility. My son Alex is now in his freshman year at Springfield College, which at 21 I couldn’t have imagined. He wasn’t planned and caught everyone by surprise…suddenly giving direction to the rudderless young man I was. Unfortunately he had to bear the brunt of my inexperience and insecurity. Alex got a hit or miss Dad, which I guess is the same dilemma befallen of all first born children. Hopefully he’ll feel invested enough in his new brother or sister not hold that against me.
Now, at 41 Jean and I are pregnant. The fears and concerns are still there but tempered by experience, less stamina and more years. On second thought, knowing what’s coming and having less stamina should be a warning no? I could panic, sure but who would that serve? Sure, I’d get 3 squares, psychoactive drugs and plenty of board games but visiting days would be embarrassing without shoe laces and a belt.
So…panic is off the table and really always was. I’m not really the panicking type and I’m trying not to be a worry-er.
One of the major differences, besides being a generation older than I was the last time is my wife. She’s awesome. She puts up with all my annoying habits and I put up with hers (that’s another post). We’ve done pretty well looking after ourselves, how much more work could a kid be? When I was 21 I was so concerned with how I was going to have to change for the kid…but I’ve gotten to know and trust myself a bit more. I’m anxious to see what this kid brings to OUR life.
While I can’t predict the future I can listen to that voice.